Shadows and Ghosts
by twistedbrain
Summary: “I try,” Sirius drawled, straight-faced, while Remus quietly resumed breathing.
1. Prologue

The man practically ran down the hallways of the school. He tried to keep his eyes forward and not notice anything, but aching flashbacks kept trying to push their way into his mind: _laughter down that corridor, after a successful prank; stolen kisses in that classroom, all those years ago; and of course, prowling the whole school while making their precious map._

_Oh Dumbledore,_ the man thought, alternately angry and thankful towards the old man,_why did you bring me here again?_

Finally, _finally_, after an eternity of fleeing shadows and ghosts from years long gone, he reached the place he would live in for the next year: the Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher's quarters and office. He would be teaching about Dark Creatures, a particular fascination of his as a child; and rightly so, as he was one.

All throughout the unpacking and preparing for bed processes, Professor Remus John Lupin was waging an admirable, but ultimately futile, war against his subconscious, which was trying to bring up all sorts of unwanted images. But as he sank into bed, tears falling, too tired to fight any more, the torrent of memories flew in. They were all painful, because they all centered, somehow, around the man he had spent the last twelve years trying to forget: his friend, his lover, his Sirius Black.

* * *

A/N: Wow, this turned out shorter than I expected. Hopefully the first chapter will be longer.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If it was, we would have a LOT more MWPP information. And I would be Jo Rowling.

Reviews are welcome, of course. Flames will be stored for cold days when my hands are freezing as I write.


	2. Chapter 1

"Remember, boy. Your mother's ill," John Lupin warned his son Remus as he steered him towards Platform 9 ¾.

"I _know_, Dad," Remus said, exasperated, as he shook off his father's hand. "And you don't have to push so hard. I can walk." Remus ran through the barrier and John followed, scowling.

"Alright, you've got ten minutes to get on the train. Your mother will write soon, and remember, no slip-ups in the story." With that, John Lupin pushed his son towards the train and Apparated out of the station.

Suddenly a lot shyer than he let on to his father, Remus Lupin pushed his trolley towards the Hogwarts Express, trying to be invisible and succeeding, as he had been able to. Once he got to the train, he began to pull on his trunk until a stranger, smiling (probably remembering his first day at Hogwarts, Remus mused), helped him hoist it onto the train. Remus thanked him and started lugging it down the train, looking for an empty compartment. Towards the end, when he was just beginning to lose hope of finding a place to sit, he heard a shout.

"Oy! You looking for a seat? You could come sit here if you like," called a boy with messy black hair and glasses, who had evidently seen Remus passing. He ran out and helped Remus pull his trunk into the compartment. When Remus thanked him, the boy brushed it off. "No problem. I'm James Potter, and this one here is Sirius Black." Sirius Black turned out to be a black-haired, grey-eyed who grinned at Remus when James said his name.

"I'm Remus Lupin," Remus offered, and sat down. James and Sirius began a Quidditch debate and Remus stared out the window, alternately nervous and excited about Hogwarts and what he would find there.

The train ride was otherwise uneventful, as was the boat ride and the Sorting. The Sorting Hat had made some undecided noises before finally sorting Remus into Gryffindor, where Sirius Black had gone (a fact which seemed to surprise everyone). Remus found himself sitting next to a girl with bright red hair who introduced herself as Lily Evans. When the food arrived, she fell to eating and chatting with the people around her, leaving Remus to sit in silence and reflect on everything that had happened since he had received his Hogwarts letter. His father had not been pleased ("It has to be a mistake. They would bring a _werewolf_ into a school packed with children?") but his wife had calmed him and convinced him to let Remus go ("It will help him adapt if he meets people his own age! You can't keep him locked up forever, John!")

Before he knew it, dinner was over, prefects were hustling everyone to the dormitories, and he was collapsing, exhausted, into a bed in the dorm he now shared with Sirius Black, James Potter, and a mousy-looking boy called Peter Pettigrew. The other three were talking to each other, laughing and (in the case of Pettigrew) grinning as though they never expected to be so lucky, but Remus closed his eyes and fell asleep, unnoticed by all. And that was the way he liked it.

* * *

Remus Lupin had a problem. This problem was not the whispering that followed him, wondering who the kid with the scars was and how he got them-he had expected those. No, his problem was that he was not in the habit of lying to himself. Because of this, he had realized fairly early in his lifetime that he was not entirely straight. And, in the month that he had been at Hogwarts, he had admitted to himself that one of his roommates was exceptionally attractive. Remus was now trying valiantly to convince himself that the emotion that surfaced whenever he caught sight of Sirius Black (which, thankfully, was not often-Remus was quite good at keeping to himself while others made friends) was not a crush, but merely envy at the other boy's popularity and apparent ease with others. 

However, being an honest type of boy, he was forced to concede that he had a small (SMALL being the important word) crush on Sirius. This was the reason, the _main_ reason at least, he had not attempted to socialize with the other first-year Gryffindors: Remus thought that distance would put an end to his foolish crush and he would be able to move on with his life.

This was a good plan of action, he thought, and would have worked had Professor Slughorn not assigned a particularly difficult essay on the composition and effects of a particular Sleeping Potion a month after Remus had made this resolution. He really should have seen this coming, he would berate himself later that night. Sirius Black was not a particularly scholarly person, and as Remus (who was) was having difficulty with the essay, he really should have expected Sirius to ask for help. And who better to ask than a roommate?

"Hey Remus-your name's Remus, right?-do you get this essay? 'Cause I copied the composition out of the book, but I really don't understand the effects," a voice said by Remus' ear as he bent over a table in the common room, working hard on the same essay.

"What? Oh, um, I think so," Remus said, a mask of calm falling over his face after the initial shock of realizing that Sirius had sat down next to him and was staring at him. He sat up a little straighter and did his best to explain the potion while not looking at Sirius.

When he finished, Sirius stood, gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder, and with a "Thanks, man," returned to James. As soon as Sirius was safely seated, Remus gathered up his books and fled to the dormitory, trying to forget the feeling of Sirius' hand on his shoulder. He threw himself into bed and buried his head under his pillow. It took him a few hours to relax enough to sleep.

* * *

_My plan's gone to hell_, Remus thought, inwardly cursing himself. He had walked into the Great Hall for breakfast the next day and was immediately hailed by James and Sirius. It seemed that Sirius had finally taken notice of Remus after the essay, and he and James were determined to make friends with him, much to the young werewolf's chagrin. There went the whole "distance" idea. 

As Remus attempted to relax into the odd (for him, at least) experience of eating a meal without a book-indeed, with people attempting to engage him in conversation!-he noticed that the other boy in their dorm, Peter, was eyeing James and Sirius, obviously wishing he were in Remus' place. Remus would have been only too happy to switch places: socializing was not one of his strong points.

Before he could act on these thoughts, however, James addressed a question to him-evidently he and Sirius had been discussing the girls who had been Sorted last night. "Oy, Remus, stop being all quiet and pay attention! I_said_, what'd you think of that Bones girl? Amelia, wasn't it? She wasn't bad."

"Oh, um, I dunno," Remus muttered to his eggs and toast. "I wasn't really paying attention."

"Well, what _were_ you doing if you weren't eyeing the girls?" There was a hint of amusement in Sirius' voice-apparently he could think of nothing else that could possibly be done in that situation.

"Trying to be, well, invisible," Remus said, finally lifting his eyes from his breakfast. He saw a flash of confusion run over James' smirk, so he explained: "I don't really like social situations, or crowds, or anything like that. I'd much rather be alone."

"Oh, we'll fix that soon enough, no worries," Sirius interjected, a wicked grin on his face.

And that, it seemed, was that.

* * *

It turned out that, despite Remus' worry that continued contact with Sirius would only worsen his infatuation, it really had been just a combination of hormones, the shock of a new environment, and the fact that Sirius seemed to charm everyone he came in contact with. In the next few months, Remus became rather good friends with James and Sirius (and Peter, too-he came into the picture around mid-November) and was delighted to find his crush fading to almost nothing in the back of his mind. 

Or so it appeared.

The first sign that Remus had that seemed to show that his crush was still going strong occurred during the last week of term, after dinner one day. Some girl whose name Remus couldn't remember started cozying up to Sirius in the common room. It was perfectly harmless and not unexpected, as Sirius was just one of those people that attracted the eyes of girls no matter where he went, so there was absolutely no reason whatsoever that Remus should have an inexplicable and yet undeniable anger towards the poor girl when Sirius began flirting back.

Remus managed to attribute this anger to that of a spurned friend (as Sirius and the girl spent a lot of time together-a detail Remus pointedly ignored-Sirius began spending less time with his friends), despite that part of his mind that he just could not lie to yelling at him constantly. That is, until Christmas Day, when James, who had received a chess set from his father and wanted a decent opponent (he had quickly learned that Remus was no better at playing chess than he was at making friends), sent Remus to go find Sirius, saying, "Sirius probably learned to play chess when he was still in diapers, coming from a family like the Blacks. Good breeding and all that. No offense, Remus." James often said things like this, and by now, Remus knew better than to take him seriously.

It took Remus a good twenty minutes to locate his friend, and when he finally found Sirius (in an empty classroom on the fourth floor), he almost wished he hadn't.

Remus had never really thanked his father for anything, but on that day, Christmas 1971, he silently thanked John Lupin for forcing Remus to learn how to conceal his emotions exceedingly well. Because of this, the young werewolf was able to put on a slightly amused face and give a sarcastic "Merry Christmas," when Sirius disentangled himself from his girl (whose name Remus still didn't remember, and suddenly couldn't care less about). Despite the fact that his stomach was currently contracting so much it seemed it was trying to vanish, he kept his cool, raised an eyebrow at Sirius, and said, "James wants a competent opponent at chess, so he sent me to find you since I can't play at all. Sorry for interrupting," he added, directing the last comment at the girl, who was glaring at Remus.

"Not a problem," Sirius said breezily, as if he had not just been caught snogging in an empty classroom. "Catch you later, eh?" he said, winking at the girl, whose anger (and breath) dissipated in an instant, before following Remus out of the room.

That night, at the Christmas feast, everyone was stuffing themselves full of delicious food. Everyone except Remus, that is, who ate only as much as he had to to keep people from bothering him about not eating enough. Everyone there that night who noticed Remus' odd behavior remarked that he looked as though he were eating sand.

* * *

A/N: Oh, this is better. Much longer. And this story is rated T because I don't know what it will really be rated when I'm done, so I put it in T and I'm giving each chapter individual ratings from now on.

Disclaimer: See prologue, I'm too lazy to type it up again.

Authors need reviews like french fries need ketchup.


	3. Chapter 2

Here it is, chapter 2!

* * *

Remus collapsed into a chair by the fire, dropping his bag and rubbing his sore shoulder. Sorting through the large number of books in his bag, he pulled out _A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration_, and attempted (unsuccessfully) to tune out the laughter that stemmed from James and Sirius' attempt to build an Exploding Snap card house on Peter, who had passed out on a couch.

As he began writing about the proper wrist movement when increasing the size of an object, his mind wandered. He found himself remembering that day's Potions class. Peter had skipped, opting to try and find the door to the kitchens, which they had all wondered about. This left Remus partnerless, as James and Sirius always sat together. He wound up sitting next to Lily Evans, the redheaded girl whom he had sat with at the Welcoming Feast all those months ago. She had been friendly enough, but kept shooting odd glances at a greasy black-haired Slytherin, Severus Snape. Remus had quickly decided that that was one story he would avoid.

A large explosion from behind him disrupted his thoughts, and he whipped around to find a panicked Peter rubbing his singed backside while the crowd around him laughed. Remus himself could barely keep a straight face at the sight of the mousy Peter screeching like a cat. (It was mostly from surprise-from the looks of things, he hadn't been hurt much.) Chuckling to himself, Remus rolled up his completed Transfiguration homework and went up the stairs to the dormitory.

About an hour after Remus left the common room, the other three boys came in, talking about their plans for the weekend. Peter had found the kitchens, and James was planning to sneak in at night. "I mean, it can't hurt to make friends with the house-elves. They'd be more inclined to give us food, I'd think," James was explaining to Peter, who had apparently forgiven him for the card house. "Remus, you in?"

"Can't," Remus said, and watched as his friends' faces fell. "I'm visiting my mum this weekend, remember? She's ill."

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Hope she feels better," James offered. Remus smiled and went back to reading his book.

* * *

Remus curled up on the bed of the hut he spent the nights after his transformation in. Rumors had filtered up to Hogwarts that the citizens of Hogsmeade believed the house was haunted and were now calling it the Shrieking Shack. He liked the name-it had a certain ring to it. He also rather fancied the idea of him being a ghost-unnoticed and invisible, always there, always watching.

Shaking himself mentally (_You have _friends_ now,_ he told himself. _No need for those kinds of thoughts._), Remus heard Madam Pomfrey heading towards his room in the Shack. No matter where he started, by the end of the night he wound up in that room, in that bed.

Madam Pomfrey bustled over to him after he scrambled back into clothes (if he didn't take them off before he transformed, they were nothing but tatters the next morning). She tended to him there, as she always did-if she took him back to the hospital wing, there was too much chance they would be seen, and then there went Remus' cover story. After she had bandaged the wounds she could not heal (the wolf had not taken well to a new environment, and took out its frustrations on itself, and therefore Remus, hence the scars), Madam Pomfrey left, and Remus curled up on the bed and began sleeping the transformation off.

* * *

Sunday night, Remus returned to his dormitory, told his friends (_friends!_ It was still such a strange concept for Remus) that his mother was doing just as she always was, and listened as James and Sirius filled him in on the events of the past weekend.

"So the house-elves simply _adore_ Sirius," James said, with a what-a-surprise look on his face. "They practically pushed food on him. Poor Peter and I were standing alone in the corner, ignored." Remus raised his eyebrows and James laughed. "Well, maybe not _totally_ ignored. They definitely favored Sirius, though."

"Must be my dashing good looks and devastating charm," Sirius put in, which sent the other three into a hysterical laughter for a full minute. Sirius, mock offended, huffed and climbed back into his bed (the four boys had been sitting on Remus'). James and Peter followed suit, and Remus soon drifted off as well.

Sitting in Charms the next day, James told Remus something they hadn't mentioned the previous night. "By the way, Sirius dumped that girl. Took him long enough, too. She wasn't much of a catch: at breakfast I saw her cozying up to Frank Longbottom." James called her a few choice names and went back to his feather.

For the second time that school year, Remus silently blessed his father. Somehow, somehow, he was able to keep a calm exterior while his insides were suddenly a ball and confusion raced through his mind. _Sirius and that girl are over._

_Why do you even care anyway?_

_I don't know. Leave me alone._

After class, when James, Peter, and Sirius were heading back to the common room for a break period, Remus begged off, claiming he needed to go to the library to make up for his lost weekend of studying. While it was technically true, Remus really just wanted some time alone to sort out his thoughts. When he reached the library and sat at a table in the back, it took him a moment to realize that Lily Evans, the bubble redhead, was sitting two tables away and appeared to have been crying. She gave him a watery smile and fled.

Once again deciding that he did not want to know, Remus gave a sigh and pulled out his Herbology book. Professor Sprout had hinted at a practical exam set for some time that week, and Remus was far from prepared. That was why he was studying so hard. Or at least, that was what he told himself.

* * *

Time passed, and it passed too quickly for Remus' taste. All too soon, it was time for final exams, and then the year, the best year of Remus' life by far, was over.

The night before the four friends left Hogwarts, they packed, reminisced, and talked about the upcoming summer. Sirius was openly unhappy about having to return home. Remus, although he kept it to himself, felt much the same way. Peter jabbered on about how he would _miss_ everybody, how the past year had been _so much fun_, while the others hid smiles and rolled their eyes. James, however, managed to make Peter shut up and Sirius come out of his, well, black mood when he said, "Well, it's not like we'll have to wait till September to see each other again." Remus raised his eyebrows, and James elaborated: "You're all coming to my house at some point or another. Mum and Dad've been dying to meet you all. It's a bit embarrassing, really: in every letter they tell me to invite you all over."

"And it took you until just now to mention it? Could have saved me loads of sulking, mate," Sirius said in mock outrage, and with a laugh, Remus shooed them all off his bed. (His bed had become sort of a meeting place, as he was always in bed before the others, who stayed up either talking with other Gryffindors or doing homework that they put off until the last minute.)

Remus loaded his trunk onto a trolley as his fellow students filed off the Hogwarts Express, and pushed it over to where James, Sirius, and Peter were standing to say goodbye.

"Write to me, guys. I don't think I can stand a summer at home: I'll need help," Sirius was saying, shooting anxious glanced over his shoulder to see if his family was coming yet. They assured him they would, after obtaining a promise from him that he would write as well, and the four friends went their separate ways.

Remus spotted his father, standing by the gateway and scowling. When Remus approached, John Lupin snapped, "Did anyone find out? Did you stick to the story? You've got a new scar on your arm, did anyone notice that?"

Remus gave an internal grimace and said, "No, Dad. Everything went just fine." _My year was great. I'm fine, thanks, how're you?_

"Good. Now, hurry up, your mother's waiting at home."

With a final farewell glance at the scarlet train, Remus pushed through the gateway and emerged into the Muggle world

* * *

I would like to leave you all with a short poem.

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue_

_Candy is sweet,_

_And so is a review._

Thank you.


	4. Chapter 3

1st July, 1972

Dear Sirius,

Well, here it is, the first of your "save-me" letters! Sorry I couldn't write sooner, but I've had a busy week, what with last year being my first year away from home and all. How are your parents treating you? I imagine it must be horrible.

Truly sorry this is so short, but it's getting late. Plus, Mum got me a book as a "welcome home" sort of thing. I haven't started it yet, and I really want to, so I'm gonna stop now. Good luck at home!

Remus Lupin

4th July, 1972

Ugh. It _has_ been horrible, so horrible that I lack the willpower to write your name at the top of this. Sorry. Mum and Father are simply furious, going on about how I'm a disgrace to the family _name _(Mum); have I been socializing with filthy _Mudbloods_ (Father); what am I, some sort of _blood traitor_ (dear little Regulus); and young Master has upset Mistress (Kreacher-the house-elf, I told you about him, right?)

At least your parents missed you. Can't see why they got so excited about you coming home, though, as you've been going home once a month.

Oh, a book is more important than saving me from the torture of my disappointed family, is it? Just for that, I'm writing to Peter and telling him you miss him so much you're dreaming about him.

Sirius

10th July, 1972

Oh, you jealous little… I've had about three letters from Peter in the past four days! The first was mainly making fun of me (poorly, I might add) for being so sentimental. The second was sent later that day, and was nothing but apologies for mocking me, and assuring me that I was free to dream about him if I wanted to. (No, _thank_ you.) Finally, two days later he figured out that you weren't serious, and naturally he had to write me again after that. But it's all smoothed over now, and I'll thank you to keep my dreams out of your ridiculous plots for revenge.

By the way, have you heard from James? He never answered my letter; I'm afraid his parents may have killed him accidentally in their joy to have their precious son back.

Remus

17th July, 1972

Hey!

Sirius told me you were worried about me. I'm touched, but I'm fine. I've just been reuniting with home; I've missed it.

Okay, so after half an hour of thinking of something else to write here, I've discovered letter-writing isn't my cup of tea, so I'm going back outside. Dad and I are going flying!

James

P.S. Dreaming about Peter, eh? I should have known. Now I come to think about it, you two _would_ make a good couple.

23rd July, 197

All right, that is _it_. I am not writing to you _any more_. You can just suffer the Black household on your own. Do you know what James told me? That Peter and I would make a cute couple! While I am admittedly adorable enough to rub off on most anyone standing next to me, my powers do not reach Peter, who looks so much like a mouse, poor boy, that I'm surprised he doesn't have a fetish for cheese! Come to think about it, maybe he does, I don't really know.

Cute couple, honestly.

Remus

25th July, 1972

All right, all right, I'm sorry. And to prove it, I won't even tell Peter about that cheese jibe, which _was_ a good one, I must admit.

I can't write for long, Father is insisting I remove the Gryffindor banner from my room and I have to go fight him about it, but since James can't be bothered to write two letters he's asked me to extend an invitation to you. His parents want us to spend the first two weeks in August there – must be taking pity on me, poor soul that I am – and Mum was so eager to get me out of the house, she said yes in a heartbeat. Peter can't come – I already wrote him – but you can, right?

Sirius

29th July, 1972

Yes, I can come. There's no point in me writing a long letter when I'll see you in three days, so I'll just say see you soon!

Remus

17th August, 1972

Remus,

You left your Potions book at my house – I _still_ don't know why you brought it in the first place, we never used it – so I'll give it back on the train since my owl is good for nothing. Just letting you know so you don't think you lost it and go buy a new one.

James

24th August, 1972

James,

So, ever since I got back home I've been thinking. (No comment necessary, so wipe that smirk off your face, I know it's there.) Remus mentioned something in one of his letters last month that seemed off. I called him on it but he never said anything else about it. I can't tell you in this letter, but I'll fill you in when I see you.

Sirius

* * *

A/N: So. There it is, chapter three. As you can tell, I decided the best way, for now, of keeping up with the summer was to do it in letter form. Peter's letters this summer weren't very interesting and I described them all anyway, so I left them out. Anyone want to guess what Sirius picked up on? :)

Also, yay to Tea'nCrumpets, schwanendreher, Moonlight Twilight, and Lupey, for reviews, favorites, and alerts. Yay!

Pushing buttons can be fun. You should try it. Hey look! points I see a button you can push from right here!


	5. Chapter 4

Please don't kill me. I promise you, I'll try not to wait this long. Ever again.

* * *

It did not surprise Remus one whit that his father did not speak to him all that much on the drive to King's Cross. When Remus had returned from his two-week stay at the Potters', John Lupin had been unusually suspicious, constantly questioning his son about how well he had kept his secret – apparently he found the idea of Remus having friends threatening. As a result, Remus had spent the majority of his remaining time at home reading his new schoolbooks in preparation for the upcoming year.

What _did_ surprise Remus was that his father did not enter Platform 9 ¾ with him – John Lupin had merely walked him to where he could see the barrier, and with a muttered "Stick to the story, boy", was on his way back to the car. Remus had no time to dwell on this fact, though: Traffic had been rather thick, and as a result he only had five minutes to get on the Hogwarts Express.

Navigating his way through the crowd of Muggles, he passed (he hoped) inconspicuously through the barrier and came face-to-face with Peter, who had apparently been waiting for him. "James and Sirius sent me to get you, since, according to Sirius, you must've hurt yourself pretty badly to be this late," the mousy-looking boy said by way of greeting, to which Remus rolled his eyes. "James and Sirius are holding the compartment," Peter continued, and the other boy noted with some amusement that Peter still spoke of their two friends with a note of awe in his voice – Peter had always treated the two as though they were gods descended to Earth.

When Remus and Peter finally reached the compartment (by which time the train was moving out of the station), they found James and Sirius sitting opposite each other, visibly arguing about something. When Remus slid the door open, James sprang back, a guilty expression on his face. Sirius, however, (with the poise that Remus could only assume that all Blacks possessed) said smoothly, "Hey, guys, we were just wondering where you were."

"Traffic was bad, and we ran late," Remus said, still looking between James and Sirius. "James, you have my Potions book, right?" When the bespectacled boy handed it over, Remus sat and began to read at once, since he had not studied Potions at all over the summer (even when he had had the book), and did not want to draw a blank in the first lesson of the year.

Sirius snorted. "Geez, Remus. Barely out of the station, and you're already doing homework." Everyone laughed, and the long train ride passed amicably. Remus could not help noticing, however, that James was quieter than usual and his gaze kept shifting between Sirius and Remus. The young werewolf merely put it down to whatever he and Sirius had _really_ been discussing.

* * *

The Sorting passed without incident, and before Remus knew it, he and the other three boys were in their dorm (more specifically, on Remus' bed, as some things did not appear to have changed over the summer), and Peter was saying something which seemed to be giving James a heart attack.

"So, I was thinking," Peter began, and Remus slapped a hand over Sirius' mouth to stifle the snide comment he knew was coming. "It'd be a lot easier this year, prank-wise, if we were able to plan better, instead of just pranking whoever was nearby. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could make some sort of map of Hogwarts? Not just _any_ map, of course, but a _moving_ map, with everyone on it, and it would tell us where everyone was at any time? That would be cool, right?" He looked around nervously, seeking approval.

James' jaw dropped, and Sirius slumped against Remus' shoulder. (Remus himself was, by that time, too tired to care that his face flushed at the contact.) "Peter, that is a _brilliant_ idea!" they practically shouted together.

Peter stammered, "What? B-but, it's impossible, right? I mean, you couldn't _actually-_"

"It'll take a lot of planning, a lot of work, and a lot of time," Sirius interrupted, sitting straight up, already in full planning mode.

"I need to have a clear head before we think about it any further," yawned Remus. "Get off my bed so I can go to sleep. See you in the morning."

Grumbling about "No time like the present", James, Sirius, and Peter left Remus to his much-needed slumber.

* * *

The next morning, Remus found a neatly wrapped scroll at his place. He unrolled it and found a message written in loopy handwriting.

_Mr. Lupin,_

_I would be much obliged if you would report to my office immediately following dinner this evening. We need to discuss your situation. The current password is _jelly slugs_. Thank you._

_Albus Dumbledore_

Before Remus could reroll the note, Sirius had plopped down next to him, taking it from his hands with a "What's this, then?" Scanning it quickly, the boy handed it back to Remus and asked, "Your 'situation'? What's that mean?" while loading his plate.

"I imagine it means that most students don't leave the school once a month," the young werewolf replied, helping himself to toast and marmalade. "You know, because my mum's ill? He's probably worried it'll affect my schoolwork or something." Busying himself with taking a large bite of food, he missed the glance Sirius shot at James, and the quelling look he received in reply

* * *

Remus stood in front of Dumbledore's office at seven o'clock. He knocked, and the door swung open under his hand. "Enter, Mr. Lupin, please." Remus walked into a large room, and his first impression was that of mess. Instruments and objects were everywhere, but as he took a closer look, he realized that there was a strange sense of organization. His musings were cut off, however, as Dumbledore began to speak.

"Welcome, Mr. Lupin. Please, take a seat." As Remus sat across from Dumbledore, the Headmaster said, "Thank you. Now, I asked you here to discuss your special circumstances." _Knew it_, Remus thought. "The method used last year, that is, the 'Shrieking Shack' method, if you will, seemed to work well. I would like to continue using it, unless you have any objections?" Remus shook his head, and the old man continued. "Excellent. I must make one last request of you." As of now, no one knows of your condition. I would like for you to let me know immediately if that changes." The young man nodded, and received a "Thank you, and good night."

A little taken aback at the abrupt dismissal, Remus got up and left the office of the Headmaster

* * *

"What's it like in his office?" Peter asked, a tad too excited. "I bet it's got loads of cool stuff. I bet –"

"Whoa, breathe, Peter," Remus interjected, laughing. "You'll see it soon enough, if you keep hanging around _these_ two." He nodded towards James and Sirius, who proceeded to smack him with the pillows he had been sitting on.

"Hey! Those are _my_ pillows!" Remus yelped, mock indignantly.

"So?" the two dark-haired boys asked at the same time.

"So, you can't hit me with _my own pillows_. It just doesn't work." A moment later, Remus regretted pointing out this (obvious) fact, as James, Sirius, and Peter exchanged glances, and then jumped back to their own beds to grab pillows.

An epic pillow fight ensued, which Sirius won for the sole reason that Remus ran out of pillows. Laughing, they repaired the pillows and collapsed, exhausted

* * *

The months passed, and winter break came and went without incident. James and Peter had gone home for the holidays, but Sirius had refused to. Therefore, it was just Remus and Sirius over break. The werewolf covered his embarrassment on many an occasion, and it went rather smoothly, he thought.

Nothing of interest happened until James came back. Remus had been in the library, trying to refresh his memory before term started, and had returned to find James and Sirius in the midst of a blazing row. They had argued about something or other all year, but Remus had never seen it get this heated.

James had been shouting at Sirius, but shut his mouth like a clamp as soon as he saw Remus. Sirius whipped around, saw the other boy, and stormed up to the dormitories.

"What was that about?" Remus asked, and James just shook his head, glaring at the staircase. "Nothing. It was nothing important."

Remus looked at him a moment longer, decided he would get nothing else out of the bespectacled boy, and went to put his books away.

After depositing his things next to his bed, he chanced a "Sirius? You okay?" at the closed curtains of his friend's bed.

"I don't want to talk to you right now," came the muffled voice of Sirius, slowly but quite clearly. Remus, glad that the curtains were shut so Sirius couldn't see the look of hurt that flashed across his face (which surprised Remus – he had endured worse verbal abuse at home and been fine), quietly left the teenager to his brooding.

* * *

A/N: Eek. I had NOT realized it had been this long until a few days ago, when I got my butt into gear.

Note re: Dumbledore. I know some of you may be upset, since this is not necessarily the Dumbledore we know. The Dumbledore we know was how he acted towards Harry, and Harry was the exception. I imaging he would not have been that openly caring towards all students.

Finally: Punctuation (parentheses, dashes, etc.) is my worst enemy. Also, to my eyes, some of my sentences seem odd. Does anyone wanna beta? Send me a PM if you do, I'll love you forever.

And, if you haven't noticed, I've given up on individual ratings (not that I ever started). I'll just warn you if there's anything you should watch out for.

There's a planet in the Andromeda galaxy that worships purple buttons. Every time you press one, a Buttonian has the best day of his or her life.

Improve the life of Buttonians!


	6. Chapter 5

Remus sat in the common room, thinking. Sirius and James were still not speaking to each other, even though the row that Remus had witnessed had occurred weeks ago. During that time, Remus had "visited his mother" twice. Sirius had seemed more inquisitive than usual about his visits when Remus returned, while James seemed almost not to care.

A log breaking in the fire startled Remus out of his reverie, and, realizing that the common room was nearly deserted, he gathered his books and went upstairs. What he found there surprised him a bit.

James, Sirius, and Peter were all sitting on the former's bed, and when Remus entered the dorm, they looked up at him as one, seemingly nervous about something. Finally Sirius opened his mouth.

He did not seem to know where to begin. "Hi, Remus. We - that is, us three - we need to talk to you about something. It's kind of important…"

"Okay," Remus said slowly, sinking down onto his own bed and giving Sirius a strange look. "Shoot."

Sirius, however, seemed to be unable to form words anymore, and James was clearly terrified. It was Peter, shy, timid, mousy Peter, who piped up with a "We know you're a werewolf, Remus."

Panic flared through Remus, but he pushed it down with some difficulty and snorted with fake laughter. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, as if his heart wasn't pounding and his instincts weren't screaming at him to _run, get out, hide_.

Peter's bluntness had given Sirius his voice back, though. "Remus. We're not stupid. You couldn't have expected to keep it from us forever. You're a _werewolf_, Remus."

Remus broke and made for the door, to find James standing in front of it, arms crossed. He swung towards the bathroom. Peter was there. Half-crazed thoughts of stealing James' broom and flying away were running through his mind, but Sirius was sitting on the sill, one step ahead of him. "Sit _down_, Remus," he said. "We're going to talk about this like the mature people we are."

A giggle of hysteria broke out of Remus, and he sat on the bed, head in hands. His shoulders began to shake and the other boys heard, muffled slightly but clear, "I'm sorry, don't tell, you can't tell anyone, have to keep it secret, please don't tell, please…" and then his voice trailed off into incoherent mumbles.

James sat next to Remus and pulled the young werewolf's hands away from his face. Noting the fact that Remus' eyes were wet and wide with panic, he said roughly, "Come on, Remus, what kind of friends do you think we are? We're not gonna tell anybody!"

Unbelievingly, Remus swung his head to face Sirius and Peter, who were kneeling on the floor in front of them. "But, how did you _know_? How could you possibly – I mean –"

Sirius pulled two pieces of parchment out of his pocket. The first was a letter that Remus recognized as his first to Sirius over the summer. "Well, this was my first clue," said the black-haired boy with a small smile. "You mentioned that your parents had missed you, which struck me as odd since you'd supposedly been going home every month. It set me thinking. If you weren't going home, where _were_ you going? It took me almost the rest of the summer to figure it out. That's what James and I have been fighting about all year – he didn't want to believe it." James looked apologetically at Remus, who was too upset, and too numb, to do more than nod to indicate that it was okay.

Sirius continued, handing him the second piece of parchment, which contained groups of dates, three in each group. "This, Remus, is a list of each time you've 'gone home'. The day you left, the day you came back, and –" he hesitated. "And the day of the full moon each month. They match up."

Remus stared, then seemed to realize something and started to get up. "Dumbledore. I have to tell Dumbledore right away." But James held him back.

"Remus, it's 2:30 in the morning. You were downstairs for a long time. You can tell Dumbledore later. Tomorrow – well today – is Saturday."

"Oh, okay." Remus swallowed, and then looked up at Sirius. "One more thing. I understand if you guys don't, well, don't want to be friends with me anymore. I'll leave you alone, it's okay-"

Sirius was giving him the same odd look Remus had given him, a lifetime ago, and Peter spoke again. "Why wouldn't we want to be your friends anymore?" Remus glared at him, and he hastily continued. "We care about you, Remus, and nothing is ever gonna change that."

"Yeah," said James, as Sirius nodded. "I was the worse," continued the messy-haired boy. "I didn't want it to be true, even though it was staring me in the face. That's what Sirius and I fought about, he didn't get my problem with it. But, you're one of my best mates. So, I got over it."

Remus impulsively hugged James, which sparked a big group hung. Finally, they pulled apart, and Remus said, "Um, thanks. I mean, I thought it would be worse if you guys ever found out, I never expected you to- "

"Oh, shut up and go to bed," growled Sirius. "_Some_ of us were up half the night waiting for you, you know." Remus laughed.

He fell asleep that night feeling better, more at peace, than he could remember being in a long time.

* * *

Saturday dawned, thin sunshine poking Remus' eyelids. He yawned, rubbed his eyes, and rolled into a sitting position, only to find Sirius starting at him from his bed.

When he saw that the smaller boy was awake, Sirius got up and plodded over to Remus' bed, sitting with a yawn of his own.

"Sirius, did you get any sleep last night? We went to bed at three, and it's the crack of dawn now."

"Honestly? No," Sirius responded. He let out a small laugh. "It's stupid, but I kept waiting for you to, I don't know, go into shock, run away, anything, while the others were asleep. You were a lot calmer than we expected, and I was waiting for the panic to set in."

Remus snorted. "Oh no, I panicked last night, all right. I just held it in. I always do." At Sirius' quirked eyebrow, he continued, "You live with my father, you learn to hide your emotions real well. Whenever I'd get upset or something, I'd leave and go read, to calm down."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. We Blacks don't miss a beat for anything. It was weird, going home last summer and having to be all prim and proper after being here and being myself for the first time." Sirius smiled and patted Remus on the shoulder. "But you and me, we don't have to be that here, do we? We don't have to hide anymore, Remus."

Remus looked up at Sirius' earnest expression and, to his horror, felt a telltale prickling in his eyes. He looked away. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "It's just, I don't like thinking about my father."

"Haven't you been_ listening_, Remus?" Sirius asked him, and the young werewolf looked up. "Let it out. Don't bottle it up anymore, you don't have to. Not here, not with me." His eyes met Remus', and all the barriers came down.

"That werewolf, you know, the one that bit me?" Remus whispered, tears falling freely now. "My father ticked him off right before. I was out walking, I was real little, and – and he bit me. Dad went crazy, but they never caught the guy. Ever since then, Dad's been…distant. He doesn't talk to me much, doesn't even like to look at me, because when he does he sees his failures, his mistakes. I don't blame him, and I don't blame Mum for not doing anything about it, but sometimes I just wish he would tell me he loves me, I'm good enough, that he doesn't sometimes wish I had never been born…" His voice trailed off. Thankfully, he had stopped crying.

Sirius grabbed him and hugged him, hard. After a moment, Remus returned it. "Thank you," Sirius whispered. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

After a long moment, they pulled apart. Sirius gave Remus one final smile before he returned to his own bed and they both fell asleep again.

Later that morning, Remus convinced Dumbledore that his roommates would not betray his secret, and returned to the common room to find James looking, crestfallen, at the chessboard. He had apparently lost to Sirius so badly his chessmen had switched allegiances and were ignoring him.

Neither of the two boys ever mentioned Remus' confession to James or Peter. To do so would have been to ruin it. Everyone could see that something had changed, though. Sirius would give Remus odd, solemn looks when he thought no one was looking. When Remus would catch him at it, he would smile to himself, small smiles that no one took any notice of.

* * *

A/N: I know, I know, I'm horrible. Please don't hate me. Finals week is next week, though, and then SUMMER! aka More time for writing.Till

Still on the lookout for a beta. Get in touch if you're interested.

Thank you to all of you who cared about the Buttonians. They look forward to your attempts this time to improve their lives.


	7. Chapter 6

5 July 1973

Remus!

How's life? How's your mum holding out? Come on, talk to me boy, I'm dying of boredom. You know that last prank, with the Slytherins and – well, you know? Mum and Dad grounded me, so send your owls at night when they're busy entertaining.

I miss you guys. I just sighed really loud, so you know. So there better not be any _books_ that are keeping you from writing to me.

I need to get OUT OF HERE.

Sirius

7 July 1973

Sirius,

I hope you're reading this, 'cause then you're not in too much trouble. Hate to break it to you, but I'll be your only steady correspondent this summer. Peter's owl died, and we both know James doesn't do letters, so you're mainly stuck with me. Sorry.

Also sorry your life sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I'm getting bored of books, I've been in my room so much. Mum's doing about the same, by the way, thanks for asking.

Remus

P.S. I leave you with a seemingly random question that has been haunting me: Am I the woman of the group? Be honest.

10 July 1973

…

I'm not even going to attempt to answer that question until you tell me why you're asking.

Ugh. I'm actually done my Potions homework. _Already_. With no help from you. Isn't that frightening? That's how hard I've been trying to avoid my family, especially Regulus. Little twit is getting more stuck up by the minute.

Well, Mr. Moony, time is going slowly. Very, very slowly. And since I'm dying to know why you think you're the bird of this group, I'm sending this off.

Sirius

15 July 1973

Do I _want_ to know why you're calling me Mr. Moony?

Okay, so right as I was about to send off my last letter, I got a rare owl from James. Attached to said owl was a looooong letter informing me that our dear friend has a crush on one Ms. Lily Evans. He discovered this in a dream, which he proceeded to describe. In detail. It was sappy, pining, the whole nine yards. What I want to know is, _why_ he sent it to _me_. Discuss.

Good on you for doing your homework. I'll admit, you're got me beat so far.

Remus (aka Mr. Moony, apparently)

20 July 1973

Even using my amazing powers of deduction, inference, and assumption (ooh, big words), I have been unable to think of why James would disclose this information to you and not me. I have forwarded your inquiry (another big word. I'm on a _roll_) to Peter, who will ponder it and use his parent's owl to answer.

Wow. How do you manage to use such a big vocabulary _all_ the _time_? I'm exhausted. Anyway, I have decided that your new name is Moony. For obvious reasons. You have no choice in the matter, so just accept it and move on.

Eek. Ickle Reggie is coming, and I'm still grounded.

Sirius

22 July 1973

Remus,

Sirius sent me an interesting inquiry the other day concerning you. I have considered the matter, and decided that you are, in fact, the woman of the group. Why else would our poor, besotted friend James turn to you for advice on this matter? Accept it, and now I'm going to go put the dictionary back.

Peter

P.S. I'm with Sirius. You are _so_ a Moony, mate.

30 July 1973

You all seem hell-bent on Moony, so I'll take it. It could be worse.

As you probably know by now, Peter thinks I am womanish. I didn't understand why for a long time, until two days ago I realized that you both are jealous.

You're all upset because James trusts _me_ more than you in this case. I have yet to discover how this could be used to my advantage, but don't worry. I _will_ exploit it as much as possible.

Moony

4 August 1973

Me? Jealous? Never. I know I'm not desperate to hear the sappy love-dream for Evans, so I _can't_ be jealous. It's prepa-, porpor-, silly, Moony.

Speaking of Moony, I told you you'd come around to it eventually. Excuse me as I pat myself on the back.

I've just received a letter from James himself. He's saving me from the last week of summer here. You coming too? It'll be brilliant.

Sirius

8 August 1973

No, I can't come to James', sorry. My mother's going to be ill that week. Have fun for me, though!

I've just gotten my school letter. Make sure you get that permission slip signed, it'll be no fun going to Hogsmeade without you the whole gang there.

Ugh. I've got a headache, and it's getting dark. Hey, find out when you and the Potters are going to Diagon Alley. I might be able to meet you guys there.

Remus

12 August 1973

We're going on the 27th. Meet up at Fortescue's at noon.

Only twelve more days until I can get out of this hellhole. I swear, they're getting worse since ickle Reggie only has one year left until he starts school. He'll definitely be a Slytherin. 'Course, if he is, then I'll be disowned at some point, probably.

Sorry about your head, mate. Hope it's feeling better. My Hogsmeade form is signed and safely in my trunk, don't worry.

Sirius

P.S. Oh crap. I've just realized that I'll be spending a week alone with a lovestruck James. Joy.

16 August 1973

Stop complaining. At least you get to get out at all. I'm stuck here all summer. Even Diagon Alley's going to be rough because my mother's getting sick on the 25th. I'll definitely be there, though.

Speaking of Diagon Alley, you might want to hide a bit when I first get there, at least until I an get rid of my father. He found out that one of my best friends is a Black, and he's not pleased.

I'll see you in ten days! (Wait, eleven.)

Remus

P.S. Why would you be disowned because of your brother being a Slytherin?

19 August 1973

Aw, poor Moony. I'll buy you an ice cream.

Why wasn't your dad pleased? Surely you told him what a nice, sweet, dashing, and all-around un-Black person I am?

So, Peter wrote to me. Apparently he feels left out, poor sod. I told him to buy a new owl in Diagon Alley. He's coming too, did I forget to mention that? And I'll explain about my disownment (is that a word?) when I see you.

Moony… I'm bored.

Sirius

23 August 1973

Question: Are you just going to stop calling me Remus? Like, forever?

I hope this gets to you before you leave. Tell the Potters I said hi. Yes, you forgot to mention Peter.

I'll explain about my dad once you tell me about why you're getting disowned. And yes, it is a word.

Yeah. Not much to say, except for see you in four days!

Remus (who will not give up his name so easily)

* * *

A/N: Yay for two updates in the same month. (Barely.) In case of confusion, they are still referring to Remus' lycanthropy as his mother being ill in case someone else reads the letter. Did you know FFN doesn't recognize the word lycanthropy?

So, yeah. Now that you've read, you really oughta guilt me into writing the next chapter. Guilt is a good weapon for getting me to write.

The Buttonians are starting to sink into a depression again. Help is needed.


	8. Chapter 7

_A/N at the bottom._

* * *

Remus strolled into Fortescue's at one, and was promptly hailed by a two-man chorus of "Moony!" Turning, he saw James and Peter sitting at a table in the corner, beaming and waving.

"Sirius is here too, but he ran to the loo as soon as we saw you outside. Weird bloke," James remarked as Remus pulled out a chair and sat. "No, wait, he's coming back"

Sirius came out of the hallway where the toilets were, and plunked down between Remus and Peter. "Hey, Moony. So, what've I missed?"

James' head suddenly turned, and his jaw dropped. A fiery redhead had entered the ice-cream shop, accompanied by a fifth-year Gryffindor Remus vaguely recognized as being called Alice. "Evans! Hey, Evans!" James called, once he was able to speak again.

Lily turned, saw James, and scoffed, walking out of the shop with a vanilla cone. "Wait!" James shouted, hurling himself out of his chair and giving chase.

Blinking, Peter said, "Um, maybe we should, like, go after him. You know, in case she hurts him. She didn't look too pleased.

"You go," Sirius said dismissively. "I owe Moony here an ice cream, anyway." Peter shot a look at Remus and took off after their lovestruck friend.

Sirius bought Remus a huge, dripping chocolate cone for Remus, who devoured it almost faster than humanly possible. The two boys headed towards Flourish and Blotts in hopes of finding James and Peter there eventually, although Sirius seemed to care more about the new brooms in Quality Quidditch Supplies than he did about his friends' welfare.

Entering the bookshop, Remus looked around and saw Peter and James (sporting a spectacular black eye and an exaggerated limp) heading towards them.

"There they are," James muttered, hobbling to a halt. "Well, boys, how was the date?"

Remus gaped and Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, come on," chimed in Peter, a surprisingly mischievous (for him, anyway) grin on his face. "You buy the boy an ice cream, go for a leisurely stroll through Diagon Alley… Very romantic, Sirius."

"I try," Sirius drawled, straight-faced, while Remus quietly resumed breathing.

Eyeing him, James said, "Come on, lets get our stuff before Moony has a heart attack."

Latching onto his indignation at the nickname and suing it to pull himself back under control, Remus groaned. "Not you, too." Heading to a display for their new Transfiguration book, he asked, "So, I take it you got no joy with Evans?"

James said decisively, "She wants me," at the same moment Peter let out a "Not at all. She would have hexed him except for she was late meeting some friends."

Sirius tutted and clapped James on the back. The bespectacled boy shrugged and said confidently, "She'll come around. No worries."

Remus rolled his eyes at Peter, who burst out laughing.

* * *

A few hours later, the four boys piled into a table in the Leaky Cauldron. Butterbeers in hand, they started swapping tales of their summer exploits.

"My dad taught me to fly properly. Think I'll go out for the team this year. Keeper, maybe, or Chaser." James took a swig of his drink.

Sirius snorted. "You, play Quidditch?"

"And what's wrong with that?" James asked, affronted.

"Nothing. It's great, mate, really," Remus interjected before someone got hurt. "Peter, what about you? What have you been up to?"

"Mum and Dad got me a Kneazle for my birthday. No owl, but it's cool. It freaks out the Muggles sometimes, and that's totally worth it. I named him Herpo. I saw it in a book, and it sounded like a good name." Unnoticed by Peter, Sirius cocked an eyebrow at Remus, who stifled a grin back. "Only trouble is, he'll climb up onto my pillow and won't leave."

"Well, at least you don't have anything else to worry about besides badly named Kneazles stealing your pillow," Sirius said darkly. "_I_ had to avoid my family all summer. I wrote to Moony _way_ too much. At least it's over now."

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked. "We've still got a week left before term."

"Oh, shoot. I forgot to tell you, didn't I?" James realized, a crestfallen expression crossing his face. "I'm rescuing you and Sirius from boring summers until school. Peter has the Kneazle to amuse him but frankly you lot seemed like you were having terrible times from what I heard from Sirius."

"Wow, Oh, um, thanks," Remus said, blinking. "That reminds me, it's getting late. I have to leave soon. Or now," he said, catching sight of a clock behind the bar.

"Bye, Moony, Pack your trunk, we're coming for you tomorrow morning, like it or not!" Sirius called after him.

* * *

A/N: Don't review this chapter. Really, don't. If you don't, it will serve two purposes: one, it will keep me from hearing how short, bad, and late it is however many times (I know it is. I'm so, so sorry); and two, it will punish me for putting out a chapter so short, bad, and late as this one. Seriously, I am so sorry. It's just that I couldn't make anything happen with this chapter. I don't know if it was writer's block or if I just doomed this chapter from the start. I only put it up now because I knew I couldn't make it any better by waiting.

Sorry!


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